Script

Written by Barry Cryer and Peter Vincent

Performed by Ronnie Barker. He is sitting at a newsdesk with a telephone. 

RB: Good evening. Here is the news. (His telephone rings and he lifts it up.) Yes. Yes. Right.....I see. Mm, thankyou. (He puts the telephone down). Sorry about that. It appears we've had a slight problem with the news. Our new electronic typewriter has developed a minor fault and it's been typing Os instead of Es. I hope you'll bear with us. (He picks up his papers and starts to read).

Good ovoning. Horo is Tho Nows at Ton. At the Primo Ministor's country houso - Choquors - thoro was a mooting for all tho throo party loaders who discussed this country's oxcoptionally sorious oconomic scono. Tho conforonco was followod by an appotizing moal of roast boof, bootroot and jolly and croam. Aftowards, the dologatos hoard a spooch from ox-Foroign socrotory, Sir Aloc Douglas-Homo. In a short addross, Mr Onoch Powoll said Sir Aloc had his koon support.

Hor Majesty tho Quoon was at Homol Hompstoad today to unvoil a momorial to sovoral groat Onglish mon of lottors.....and poots....including Anthony Trollopo, H.G. Wolls and Hilairo Bolloc.

In Kow Gardons today, a lady was frightonod by a Scotsman with a woodon log, who jumpod out from bohind somo troos. Ho told the polico, that he'd boon stung on the knoos by a swarm of boos after the bowls had broken on his trousers. Aftor his arrost, ho statod ho was turning ovor a now loaf and is undergoing a change of sox.

In Wostminster today, Mr Wodgwood-Bond spoke of his plan to nationalise the stool industry and Sir Donnis Holey discussed his plans for a further tax on bots and botting shops. He said, 'It's no good boating about the bush, I must lay it on the lino.' It will cost the punter only a couple of ponce. And now the woathor, tomorrow's woathor will be wot..will be what?....will be wot with a touch of sloot. Well that's all from mo. Tomorrow the nows will be rod and rude by Roggie Bosanquot. Now I'm going to croop away to my little bod. And sed the lot of you!!!